stephen colbert the colbert report
I wanna address my fellow Conservatives who are running for office this year. C’mere. You may not be aware of this, but in 1920, women got the right to vote. And since then, among likely voters, rape’s approval ratings has plummeted.
I just wanna give you a little advice on how to handle yourself if in the middle of a debate or while casually talking to reporters you feel yourself about to share your views on rape. I want you, and this is important, so, go grab a pencil, okay… If you’re about to talk about rape I want you to STAB YOURSELF IN THE EYE WITH YOUR PENCIL. JUST JAM IN IT IN THERE. […] See if you can get in there and sever the portion of your brain that scours the word ‘rape’! And don’t stop until your urge to appeal to voters by talking about rape has passed.
Now sadly, it is too late for Richard Mourdock, these comments have left his campaign in shambles. But you know what? Don’t shed a tear, folks, because I’ve come to realize that this is just something God intended to happen.”
Stephen Colbert, Colbert Report (10/24/12)
Mr. Colbert - perfect as always.
stephen colbert the colbert report insurance
“Yes, I mean if they can tell us to buy health insurance, it completely destroys the idea of limited government, because right now all the government can do is tax me, draft me, put me in jail, or declare me an enemy combatant and then execute me without trial using a flying death bot, but making me eat broccoli. I think we’d all rather die from a preventable disease.” - Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report
stephen colbert the colbert report politics
“Yes, Obama duped young people by not doing every single thing they want. So now, they’ll all vote Republican. It’s like when I want some bread, I won’t settle for half a loaf. Instead, I will have a muffin made of broken glass.”
– Stephen Colbert (via folkbloodbaths)
stephen colbert the colbert report norway terrorism
“And even if there was a rush to judgement, we must not repeat that mistake by rushing to accuracy. Just because the confessed murderer is a blond, blue-eyed, Norwegian born, anti-Muslim crusader does not mean he’s not a swarthy, ululating middle-eastern madman.” - Stephen Colbert